I'm Worthy Of More
I'd be grossly misrepresenting if I pretended this week has been a cakewalk. Poor choice of words. It has been very difficult to maintain balance. I've stayed within my calorie budget. On the surface that's a wonderful thing indeed. Below the surface, I've fought very hard to keep the calorie budget intact. Call it steel curtain zone or whatever you want, it's been a battle. But why?
Stress triggers reactions and for someone like me, those reactions are hard wired and often circumvent the rational part of the brain, the frontal cortex. This dynamic is addiction, pure and simple. I've watched some incredible documentaries on the subject, the best being "Pleasures Unwoven."
The only way I've been able to survive is through prayer, meditation and reaching out to friends in moments of weakness. I've been staying "visible," instead of isolating. It's amazing how something as quick and simple as sending a tweet, sending a text or responding to an email or facebook message, empowers me, brings me back around and gives me strength. And hope. Because there's plenty of hope. And that's an important thing to hold tight, especially in the face of stress.
So what to do? I mean really, stress is a part of life, right? Yes, it is. The question is, can I face the stress and handle it in ways that work to alleviate the stress? In other words, deal with issues head on? Yes. Yes I can.
My recovery is very important to me. It's much more important to me than it was during the initial weight loss. Why? Because I understand it better now. I understand me on a level much deeper than before. And this understanding is met with a greater respect.
Suddenly, my goal isn't a number, or a particular size of jeans, or anything external. Sure, some of these will be visible milestones. And I'll be sharing those along the way. But I'll always, forever-more keep my eye on a higher definition of success. My truest and most important goal is raising my level of self-care and self-love to where it needs to be for optimal living. Having compassion for myself is the biggest component in this quest. No longer is self-loathing and internally abusive thoughts okay. I'm worthy of more than I've given myself. Let me say that again:
I'm Worthy Of More Than I've Given Myself.
I understand that many of the stresses in my life were created by me and then made worse by my attitude and perspective toward them. And that's okay. Isn't that interesting? It is to me. When I dissect particularly stressful elements of my life, I can clearly identify how they were created, when they were created and I can honestly evaluate how I've reacted to them. This is a breakthrough for me. And this isn't another chance for me to be harsh on myself, not at all--quite the contrary, in fact. If I can clearly identify the stress I've created, then I can change my attitude and perspective toward it and alleviate its power. I can face these things head on and armed with a new attitude, I can manage them one by one. And you know what that means?
Less stress equals less struggle. Alleviating some stress might require simplifying certain things and that's a good thing. Simple is good. I like simplicity.
The other day when I chose the meatball sub full of fat and sugar, I knew it wasn't the best choice. I counted it and moved on. I didn't beat myself up for the choice. I did however, acknowledge it and evaluate the choice.
One of the things that's helping me stay on track is my food planning. I do not, under any circumstances,miss breakfast. Well--except tomorrow and I'll explain in a minute. I start each day with a good breakfast full of protein and one that taste good. Typically, it's a combination of whole eggs and egg whites, with veggies and low fat-part skim mozzarella cheese on a Joseph's Pita. If I want more, I add some yogurt or fruit. I keep posting similar breakfast photos on twitter and lately with the resolution to switch it up some--- maybe some oatmeal with fruit every now and then. While I'm preparing breakfast I'm also preparing snack baggies of fruit. I'll include some string cheese too. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes a lunch of some sort. I've been coming home often in the middle of the day to nap before going back to work for the "second half." I'll normally have time to work out lunch during this time. I've been doing this because of my sleep condition. Not feeling rested is an enormous issue. I return for another sleep study on the 14th.
Tomorrow morning I'm fasting for blood work. I can have water and surprisingly, black coffee. I'll take it! When the nurse said "Nothing except water and if you're a coffee drinker, black." I was shocked. I'd always heard just a sip or two of water was best. But I'm not arguing with the professionals. I'm happy to have coffee in the morning. It'll be very different not eating breakfast early.
My regular doctors visit will be the 11th. I'll get the blood work results and weigh in at that visit.
I'm keeping active on Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson ) and My Fitness Pal SeanAAnderson. If we haven't already, I'd love to connect with you on any of those social media platforms.
Thank you for reading,